If miscarrying has produced any visible fruit in me yet, it has been the enjoyment I have found in reading.
Never thought those words would come out of my mouth.
I always thought of reading as I did exercise- who does this for fun?
Now, Me. That's who.
I had blogged a few weeks ago that I had read I Will Carry You by Angie Smith, which led me to read What Women Fear by Angie Smith, which led me to read What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage by?
By Elise Erikson Barrett.
I was a little weary of this last one. There aren't many pages (I was always the kid that would calculate exactly how much of the book was left based on where I was and would chant "only 30% of the book left... only 10% left". Obviously I was more dedicated to math than reading), but the font type is rather small and the pages wide. It took me quite a bit of time to get through it.
Fantastic. Hard. Challenging. Comprehensive. Everything I was looking for. If you have miscarried, please read it. It blessed me tremendously. It covers everything from a personal story of a pastor who miscarried to basic medical terminology, testimonials, and ways to cope with grief and hurtful people. Above all, it leaves you knowing that God loves you, God loves and cares for your lost child, and that your grief may not be understood by anyone except God and other women who are walking your road- and that's okay. It doesn't mean you are overreacting or mourning just the idea of being a mommy. You are mourning a life lost. A life lost to you but found in Christ.
I got to the chapter about grief and almost skipped it. I thought- oh, it's been almost 3 months since that happened. I'm good. Ready to put this behind us. But, being the perfectionist I am, I have to make sure I read every single page for fear I might miss something-or the reading police will come and punish me for skipping.
Reading through it I realized this- I will never be over grieving for my baby. The first 6 months are the worst. Sure, life will get easier, and the bad days will be further apart, but this is forever.
Just when I thought I was good, grief swallowed me in a flood, almost to the same degree as the first day we lived without our baby.
From the beginning, I moved from sadness, to acceptance, to what I thought was healing- and then fell back into anger. Unlike my husband, I completely skipped anger. This doesn't mean I am not handling it well, or that I don't grieve "right". There is no such thing. My grief just looks different.
I love God. I worship Him and know he is Almighty and Sovereign. I know his ways are perfect and I won't ever understand them. I don't think I know better than he does. Despite the desperate longing I have to be a mom, sometimes I just wish He'd just come back and sound the trumpet for his people so I could be with him and leave all of my earthly dreams behind in the dust.
But crying in my car this week, I screamed at my God. I yelled at him. I was mad at him. For the first time in my life I felt He abandoned me. I felt no one- not a single being including God, could love me and that I deserved to be hated, despised, and kicked in the face (yea, all us Christians will say we deserve this because we are sinners- but be real- if this happened to you in real life, you were hated, despised, kicked and beaten down and completely unloved, you would pity yourself and think you didn't deserve it. For crying out loud, we don't think we deserve to be overcharged at the register or be the victim of a hit and run at the grocery store). And making myself believe I deserved all of those feelings and more made me even more angry.
Yesterday I literally could not stop saying in my head, "God, where are you? Where are you? Where are you when our cradle is empty? Where are you when we cry in the night for you? Where are you when people are rude and inconsiderate? Where are you when people say hurtful things? Where are you when the pain keeps piling up? Where are you when we can hardly breathe? Where is our rest? Where? Where are you?"
I thought of the Psalms. David cries out to God like this, right?
Every bit of me wanted to tell myself, "No where. He doesn't care. His eyes are on the sparrow and changing the colors of the leaves. He is consoling the widow, healing the sick, forming in the womb some other woman's baby because he loves her more. You are nothing to him".
But, I know this isn't true.
It sure feels like it, but it isn't true. Maybe if I keep saying that-that it isn't true-I will really believe it.
In one of the books I mentioned before, the mom writing says she had done the same thing- went driving and just cried and screamed at God. She said she felt bad, but then noted that it's okay.
The God who made the universe, holds it up by his Word, and conquered the grave can handle his children being mad at him. I thought- um, wow. Harsh. Who does this? Who yells at God? How rude, unthankful, and disrespectful. I will never do that. I love God.
Well, it happened.
And I agree- it's okay.
It's okay to feel like the child who is kicking and screaming and crying in pain, trying to get out of their parent's arms, only to feel their parent hug tighter. Eventually, the child calms and weeps in sadness and clings to what is good.
I'm not going to lie.. I'm still kicking and screaming. I am still mad and angry and sad. Eventually, I have faith in knowing I will calmly weep and cling to my Father. I have faith that He will sing songs over me and quiet me with His love. I have faith that praise will once again be on my lips- and I will mean it.
I know the Lord is good. He loves us. He is always with us. Good will surely come of this time of barrenness, in every sense of the word.
How my heart aches for you, dear friend. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for such raw honesty in your posts.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband and I were trying to become pregnant the 1st time, it was hard! I struggled with not becoming pregnant when I wanted to. I remember telling God how unfair it was that He was not helping in this situation.
ReplyDeleteThen a month or two later Joe and I found out that we were pregnant, we were expecting our first child. Then when I was 16 wks along we went in for a check-up and found out that the baby had died and had been dead for almost 2 wks. I was devastated, it was in my hands and now it was gone. I did not even know that death had visited my little one; I thought everything was just fine, but it was not, he was gone. I knew I had to give up some control for some rest. I will tell you complete victory did not come all at once. It took time. Sometimes victory is a process. James 1:2-4 says: “Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything (NLT).” Victory maybe instant for some and for certain battles, but for other battles and people victory comes over time. It is a slow step-by-step process.
Years later when I look back over that time in my life God was at work and I submitted to His working. Do I know why we lost our first child? No. I can say that God does and I am ok with not knowing. I trust and rest in the knowledge that He had His reasons, He sees the bigger picture and I see only right now and the past, and even then not fully. I trust that His love for me is greater than having that first child. He had his purpose for it not to be here and all I know is that I allowed God to work in my life.
I will say that even around that time of the year when we lost our little one, my body seems to morn, I have a few days where I am down, and when I look at the calender I realize what time of the year it is. Hang in there, it will get better. I hope that you find encouragement in my post. I just want you to know I understand, and that I will be praying for you. Thanks for your blog!
I have not read your blog enough to really know what happened but i stumbled upon this post and decided to tell you my story. About two weeks before me and my husband got married i found out i was pregnant, this was my first time beige pregnant and as you can imagine i was extremely exited. I wasn't even sure if j could become pregnant because i have had issues with my ovarie. Any how a few days later i got a call saying i was going to loose my baby. My doctor was trying to prepare me. And sure enough ten minutes after my husband got home i started bleeding. I thought God hated me. I thought he wanted me to suffer but i had no reason for why. I was only about a month along but i felt terrible.... The worst part? I bled and cramped through my entire wedding, like a reminder- YOUR NOT PREGNANT! it was awful. Then everyone around me started to get pregnant. My step son was in the hospital for a few days then about a month later my husband, my step son, and i were in a terrible boating accident. We were all knocked out and my son had to be air lifted. They took us to separate hospitals and when i arrived T my sons side i learned he needed to be put in a body cast. He was in it for about 6 weeks then was unable to walk (3yrs old) it was like watching a baby learn how to scoot, then crawl, then walk. The sheer stress was making my hair fall out and what was worse was i had to put on a face for my son. After my son started to walk better and better me and my husband sat down to talk about the accident. I will let you know now, i thought my family had died. My husband didn't respond for seconds (felt like hours). And as i told my husband my side of he story it dawned on us both, I would have been 7 months pregnant when we had the accident. I would have lost the baby for sure anyway. This sounds harsh but i have delt with the pain and am perfectly ok with what happened. God saved me from the heart ache of looking a baby that i would have been very in touch with. I would have not been able to handle that kind of pain. On top of that i would not have been able to forgive the drunk boater who ran us over for killing my child. God was looking out for me. This just shows that there is always a silver lining and he always cares and is watching out for us. Sorry if this is so lengthy, i thought maybe my story would help in some way and maybe let you see a silver lining too.
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