Joy in the Trial

I have written so many posts about the whole miscarriage/ectopic thing.  Like all of my other emotionally-driven posts, I wrote them and let them just brew for a few days.  I usually edit, proofread, add over time, and finally post.  Now, with this, I am getting frustrated.  Frustrated?  I don't know if that is even the right word to describe what I feel.  My emotions are so unpredictable right now that a post from one day seems so awful the next day.  Or it seems insensitive on a day when I just want to cry, penned on a day when I was numb.

I was having a hard time at the beginning of this week with my own expectations of how I should grieve.  I kept telling myself that there was no "right" way to grieve and that I just needed to let myself feel what I felt.  Some days I barely thought about it, other days I spent all day crying in bed.  I felt guilty feeling like I wasn't necessarily mourning the loss of my baby, but mourning the loss of motherhood.  It made me feel selfish.  I wanted to know and feel connected to this baby, but I just couldn't.  I realized that I was relying on my imagination of a child to feel connected to this life.  Please don't read this wrong- I without a doubt believe my baby's life started at conception.  My baby wasn't just a ball of cells, or just an embryo.  My baby was real.  My baby was life.  My baby is in the arms of Jesus.

I think that's why I grieved more over being a mom than losing a child.  The only proof I had that I was pregnant were Beta number results from blood draws and a missed period.  I never got to feel my baby move.  I never got to wear maternity clothes.  I never really got to feel sick.  I am now petrified of gaining the one thing I want the most- another pregnancy.  Now that my baby is gone, I have to hold on to the joy I felt knowing I was pregnant, because it feels like it never happened.  The reason why I feel more inclined to grieve for us rather than a lost child is that I know there is no safer place for my baby to be.  There is so better life for my baby to have than with Christ.  Knowing the treasure I have in heaven with Jesus, I know I would not want my family to grieve if I had to leave this world to return home (although that is not possible and I know that).  If this baby would have been anything like his parents, I know he'd want the same.  He'd want us to know he is safe.  He'd want us to know he is happy.  He'd want us to know he is loved.  He'd want us to remember Acts 20:24:  "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."  His task was small.  His race only took 6 weeks.  But the Lord knew this, even before we knew we were parents.  And, for this, I cannot mourn.  I could not be more proud to say my child completed the work set before him.  I can only be grateful and full of praise.

I want to say this isn't fair.  I want to say "why me?"  I want to ask why we deserve this.  But I can't.  "Fair" is a relative word.  Is this not fair because we don't deserve this and someone else does?  Is this not fair because I think I would make a better mom than the woman who never has to experience the loss of a child?  Without Christ, we know we deserve worse.  Without Christ, I guess fairness would be a legitimate concern.  But we are in Christ.  The Lord isn't in the business of making things fair between his children.  He is in the business of The Gospel.  So, we are not concerned with what is fair.  We are not concerned about whether or not we deserve to try for an entire year to conceive a child, only to have to say goodbye after 6 weeks.  We are not concerned about the fear our future holds and when and if we will ever get pregnant again or have a healthy pregnancy.  We are concerned with grace.  We are concerned with God's Word.  We are concerned with furthering the Gospel.  If these concerns mean that we have to lose a child in order to be used by the Lord, then we welcome any trial set before us:  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."- James 1:2-3.
We persevere.  Of course, we mourn.  But we persevere.  We come boldly to the throne of Grace and ask to be used.

Glory Baby

How Daddy found out, our positive tests, and telling our family.

On Sunday, we found out that our pregnancy was, in fact, tubal.  Our sweet baby opened his little eyes on that day to see the glory of the Lord.  We are broken, but we know that we will get to hold our beautiful baby when we are home with Christ.

I never tried to imagine what it would feel like to have to grieve over my own child.  I always heard testimonies of parents who lost their children and would say, "It's not supposed to happen like this.  My children should have to say goodbye to me, not the other way around".  It always made me cry to think that saying goodbye, for many parents, is the road the Lord has prepared.  But to have to do it myself is something I couldn't begin to fathom.  And, now it's here.

I'm sure that at some point, I will write as part of my grieving process.  But, I don't want a goodbye to be about my pain.  I don't want to darken the joy of my precious baby with the sorrow of my heart.  I've said it before and I will again- no matter how long we had our baby with us, we will always be his parents.  He deserved to be rejoiced over and we will do just that.  We will be brave.  I will joyfully remember the short time I got to have to carry him with me wherever I went and the joy his Daddy knew when I told him he was on his way.  There will not be a day that goes by that we will not think of him and imagine what he would have looked like and what his favorite toys would have been.  We will be proud of him, call him our first child, and tell his brothers and sisters about their baby in heaven.  We will be thankful that Christ died for us, even for this baby, and that he never had to know the sorrows of this world.  He never had to cry in sadness, feel pain, or know loneliness.  Instead, his eyes first saw Jesus.  What a lucky little glory baby.

God promises that he works all things for the good of those who love him.  He knows what is best.  Nothing is out of his hands.  So, we trust.  We trust that this is good.  This fits into God's plan.  The Lord saw fit to take our child knowing it would bring glory somehow.  Honored are we to know that God can use us this way, that it will not consume us, and that Christ will never fail us.  The past six weeks have been our best and we are full of thanksgiving.

2 Corinthians 12:9:  "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Romans 8:26-28:  "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Isaiah 43: 1-2 

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Sweet Glory Baby,
We love you and miss you terribly.  We will carry you with us always and rejoice in knowing you are held in the arms of Jesus.  Oh, the glory you must see!  We are so thankful for your life and that Christ knew you even before we did.  We can't wait to finally meet you face to face and hold you tight.  We couldn't be more proud of you.
Love you forever, Momma and Daddy

Disregard the actual "video" part.  Love this song.  I heard it on Pandora last year.  Never would I think it would bring special meaning to me.  My God is good.  My God is holy.  My God has been preparing my heart for this and, for that, I am grateful.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Update on Little

We have been walking on glass since Sunday.  It has been terrifying.  Nothing else has happened to me physically, except for the fact that the spotting never came back (and I even hesitate calling it spott-ING because it was a one time deal and didn't come back once it made its appearance, but of course I didn't know that when I went into the ER).  I stayed home to rest Monday, the cramps went away, and I have felt totally fine since then.  I followed up with my OB, had more blood drawn Monday and Wednesday, and we had our first prenatal appointment Tuesday.
My blood results from Monday were inconclusive, which made the whole situation worse.
Really?
Inconclusive?
Thanks.
My HCG levels went up Monday from Sunday night, which was great, but the second blood test was only 18 hours after the first one.  It wasn't a long enough time period to show growth (it should take 48-72 hours to double) like they wanted to see, so I had to get more blood drawn Wednesday.  My lower back started hurting Tuesday night as well, so that was a little nerve wrecking on top of everything else going on.
Good News- HCG levels definitely doubled.  They figured out my progesterone was low (almost half of what it should be) and was 4 "points" lower than what it needs to be.  My doctor thinks this is to blame for the cramping, spotting, and backaches.  I am now taking progesterone pills to hopefully fix the problems and help everything continue smoothly.  I have more blood drawn Friday to test HCG again and another draw next Wednesday to test the progesterone to see if it is working (I don't think I am going to have blood left when this baby comes!).  Please pray that both of these levels increase and that we have a healthy pregnancy from here on out.
I used to think I knew my body pretty well.  I felt like I knew when something wasn't right and needed to call the doctor and when I could wait it out and let myself heal.  Now that I am pregnant, all bets are off.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the spotting, but every little thing scares me to death.  It has gotten better since we received this bit of good news, but I did think I was dying today- and it was gas.  I have been fearful also that our pregnancy is tubal, but I have no symptoms of it and my nurse said my HCG would not be doubling if it were.  They all but ruled it out when they prescribed me the progesterone, but please also be praying specifically that our pregnancy is not tubal.
Our hearts are nervous.  We should be able to hear our baby's heartbeat on September 13th.  What a glorious day that will be.  Thanks to everyone who has been praying for the three of us.  Please continue!  I don't understand how prayers fit into God's plan, but He tells us to so it must. It is hard to imagine that the same God who made the heavens and earth, holds everything together, and knows and is all things listens to and answers the prayers of his people. Truly awesome.

Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
    in the heavens.
Through the praise of children and infants
    you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
    to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
    human beings that you care for them?
^{Psalm 8:1-4}