I have written so many posts about the whole miscarriage/ectopic thing. Like all of my other emotionally-driven posts, I wrote them and let them just brew for a few days. I usually edit, proofread, add over time, and finally post. Now, with this, I am getting frustrated. Frustrated? I don't know if that is even the right word to describe what I feel. My emotions are so unpredictable right now that a post from one day seems so awful the next day. Or it seems insensitive on a day when I just want to cry, penned on a day when I was numb.
I was having a hard time at the beginning of this week with my own expectations of how I should grieve. I kept telling myself that there was no "right" way to grieve and that I just needed to let myself feel what I felt. Some days I barely thought about it, other days I spent all day crying in bed. I felt guilty feeling like I wasn't necessarily mourning the loss of my baby, but mourning the loss of motherhood. It made me feel selfish. I wanted to know and feel connected to this baby, but I just couldn't. I realized that I was relying on my imagination of a child to feel connected to this life. Please don't read this wrong- I without a doubt believe my baby's life started at conception. My baby wasn't just a ball of cells, or just an embryo. My baby was real. My baby was life. My baby is in the arms of Jesus.
I think that's why I grieved more over being a mom than losing a child. The only proof I had that I was pregnant were Beta number results from blood draws and a missed period. I never got to feel my baby move. I never got to wear maternity clothes. I never really got to feel sick. I am now petrified of gaining the one thing I want the most- another pregnancy. Now that my baby is gone, I have to hold on to the joy I felt knowing I was pregnant, because it feels like it never happened. The reason why I feel more inclined to grieve for us rather than a lost child is that I know there is no safer place for my baby to be. There is so better life for my baby to have than with Christ. Knowing the treasure I have in heaven with Jesus, I know I would not want my family to grieve if I had to leave this world to return home (although that is not possible and I know that). If this baby would have been anything like his parents, I know he'd want the same. He'd want us to know he is safe. He'd want us to know he is happy. He'd want us to know he is loved. He'd want us to remember Acts 20:24: "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." His task was small. His race only took 6 weeks. But the Lord knew this, even before we knew we were parents. And, for this, I cannot mourn. I could not be more proud to say my child completed the work set before him. I can only be grateful and full of praise.
I want to say this isn't fair. I want to say "why me?" I want to ask why we deserve this. But I can't. "Fair" is a relative word. Is this not fair because we don't deserve this and someone else does? Is this not fair because I think I would make a better mom than the woman who never has to experience the loss of a child? Without Christ, we know we deserve worse. Without Christ, I guess fairness would be a legitimate concern. But we are in Christ. The Lord isn't in the business of making things fair between his children. He is in the business of The Gospel. So, we are not concerned with what is fair. We are not concerned about whether or not we deserve to try for an entire year to conceive a child, only to have to say goodbye after 6 weeks. We are not concerned about the fear our future holds and when and if we will ever get pregnant again or have a healthy pregnancy. We are concerned with grace. We are concerned with God's Word. We are concerned with furthering the Gospel. If these concerns mean that we have to lose a child in order to be used by the Lord, then we welcome any trial set before us: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."- James 1:2-3.
We persevere. Of course, we mourn. But we persevere. We come boldly to the throne of Grace and ask to be used.