After a long year of waiting, the Lord has finally blessed us with a pregnancy.
We are expecting!
We are due April 14th!
I still can't believe this is true and that I get to write this post. Really? Am I dreaming? I kept all of my pregnancy tests and I keep going to the bathroom to look in the cabinet to make sure it's true (don't worry-I had a positive Beta at the doc, too). I feel like I'm visiting my baby! I'm not sure if its the fact that I don't actually feel pregnant yet or that, despite my best efforts to stay positive, I never thought this day would come.
If you're new to this party, you can read up on our fertility journey here, here, and here. Long story short, I was on birth control for about 5 years. I was put on it before we got married because I passed out from cramps one day while I was in the shower (my mom rescued me. Thanks mom!). It fixed the cramps and obviously did its job while we were newly married. I went off of it last August when we started "trying" and my hormones weren't able to get back to where they needed to be to make me ovulate. I had really long cycles, formed cysts, and gained a few pounds (cool. Real cool). My doctor finally prescribed me Clomid and it worked the first cycle I took it. I was out of town while ovulating, so that obviously didn't work. This last cycle was my second cycle on the fertility meds and they worked again. I started charting my Basal Body Temp ("BBT"-I will post about this later. I'm a freak about it and believe every child-bearing-aged-woman would imensely benefit from doing it) in January, which is how I knew I wasn't ovulating and how we were able to conceive our baby (well, obviously God is the author of life, but you get the picture!).
I'm not going to lie- trying to conceive a child for an entire 12 months (exactly) was tough. There were times that I could bear the burden and didn't mind it, and then there were times when I literally just wanted to give up. The first cycle I ovulated but didn't conceive was actually one of the top worst months. I had always thought that if I knew I was "fixed", it would take the pain away. It didn't. I didn't know why. I knew that even though it worked, it might not work again. I knew that even though it worked, my hormones still might not be where they needed to be and later my doctor told me my levels were so low that I wouldn't have been able to support a viable pregnancy. I knew that no matter what chemical I put into my body or what my chart showed, God could and would prevent a pregnancy if it didn't fit his plan of glory. But, I knew the Lord would shepherd us and guide us no matter what road we had to travel. I know, "it's easy to say that now that you have what you want". I remember talking to several friends and my husband a few months ago and saying that I was actually glad we didn't get pregnant right away.
I am one that tends to take things for granted. I am one that is self-motivated with high expectations-so of course, I tend to rush into things and forget to sit back and pay attention to the lesson God is teaching me or pray about whether the situation is what God wants us to do. We prayed early in our marriage that we wouldn't fall into that pattern of behavior when it came to having children. While I don't think we rushed into "trying", it obviously brought God more glory to make us wait than to give us the desires of our heart immediately. I have learned more in the last year about my marriage and my relationship with Christ than I have at any other time in my life. I told Daniel and the people I confided in that I was thankful for the time we had to support each other and learn to trust Christ. I told them that I wouldn't have changed the last year to be any other way, even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But, I was ready for that chapter of our life to be over.
The truth? God would have been just as holy and good had he never given us a child. Did I always manage my emotions collectively? No. Did I get pulled into a depression and struggle with believing lies about myself that were not true? Sure did. Did getting pregnant take the pain away? Yes. Will I forget that pain? Never.
I think it's hard to understand from the outside what infertility feels like when you've never had to experience it. I'm not going to sit here and act like other people aren't in pain. They are. God cares as much for their pain as he does mine. But it is just a little different-not worse, just different. After talking to other people who have had the same problems, I can tell you that it almost feels like a miscarriage. When you start trying to conceive, you conceive the thought of a child. No matter how you try to guard yourself from planning too far ahead or imagining this child, you feel like you carry this child before you conceive. When you go from month to month with no baby, it feels as if this baby has died. And, so, you begin to mourn. But, at the same time, you want a baby so badly that you try ferociously to have one. Throw in burdens of feeling that your inadequacy is affecting your husband and his relationships and you. want. to. crumble.
I don't think it's wrong to mourn. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to struggle with your emotions. At the end of the day, though, you have to believe God's promises and that they apply to you if you are in Christ. He never promised me children, but He has always promised to never leave me, to guide me, to love me, to do what is best for me, and to always bring glory to Himself. You have to let other people invest in your life so that you don't think about it and you have to realize that, as many blessings as there are in this life, nothing compares to the treasures we have stored in heaven because of our relationship with Christ-children or not.
I cannot wait to feel pregnant. I cannot wait to feel sick, to grow a belly (erh, add to the one I've already got!), to be tired and feel huge. I cannot wait to watch my husband talk to his son or daughter via belly button, prepare our nursery, and one day meet our precious child. Having that pain tucked away deep in my heart makes this joy that much more intense.
We have lots of fun things to share throughout our pregnancy- and since my Mom and Sister don't live close to me, I will be updating frequently to keep them in the loop.
Thank you for praying for us and with us- continue to pray that we will be able to carry this baby full term, that I will have a healthy and manageable pregnancy (this girl has to teach until due date!), and that our child will come to know the Lord and have salvation in Christ.
Your Dad and I found out about you just a few days ago, but how we already love you! You are only the size of a poppy seed, but we know that you are working hard to grow and that Jesus already knows you by name. You are already loved more than you could ever imagine. There are so many people who have been asking God to give you to us and cannot wait to meet you! You have the best Daddy in the world. He tells everyone he sees about you and is so proud of you. He is already making plans for things he wants to build for you and can't stop talking about the day he finally gets to hold you.
We pray for you every day and I already talk to you all the time. I'm sure you are already sick of my laugh, but I think I'm pretty funny so you"ll have to learn to like it. You have a furry big brother that I think knows you are on the way. His name is Oscar and you will weigh as much as he does very soon! He likes to protect me, especially when I sleep, and even growls at Daddy when he tries to wake me up with kisses before he leaves for work. You will have lots of fun playing together!
Hold on to Jesus while you are in there. You'll have a life full of love and joy, but it will be hard sometimes and He's the only one who can make it better (we will try our best of course!). We'll tell you more about Him later. For now, be safe and healthy-and please don't grow hair all over your back like your Daddy did when he was a baby. But, even if you do, we will love you all the more.
Love, Momma and Daddy