We had a potluck at church after service and had to stop and get Daniel some new work boots, so we didn't get home until about two. I tried napping, but that didn't work well either. Daniel got up to get ready to leave for evening church, and I asked if he minded if I stayed home and rested. He left, I youtubed and facebooked, then got out of bed to get my phone to text a friend. I started lightly spotting.
What in the world do I do?
I started crying. I started saying "no, no, no. Please no". I don't know that I have been so terrified in my entire life. I was glad I was alone. I was glad my husband didn't have to be there to see me like that. I decided quickly that I couldn't wait until Monday to call my doctor. I went to the Emergency Room and Daniel met me there.
We waited for a lifetime.
They checked my HCG quants, tested my urine, and gave me an ultrasound.
Quants are doubling as they should and are close to the projected number they should be, considering my tests from last week. Too early to be able to see anything on an ultrasound, even a tiny sac. Tubal pregnancy unlikely, but not impossible. Gave me the RhoGAM shot in the booty because my blood type is A- (which I knew) and, after 3 hours, we were sent home with "we will just have to wait and see" and the diagnosis of a Threatened Miscarriage (which, basically just means you are spotting and it threatens your chances of being able to carry through the first 20 weeks).
I was relieved, even just to know that there was hope. The entire time we were in the ER, I tried to be optimistic because I knew Daniel would be assuming the worst. I tried to be funny and make jokes and avoid eye contact so that I wouldn't cry. I think it helped, but when we got home it all came to the surface and I cried for a while.
So this is love. This is what it's like to be a parent. This is what it's like to worry yourself sick that your child is safe. I spent so much time agonizing over getting to this point that I never stopped to think that the pain of infertility would disguise itself as worry after the joy of "finding out" was relished and pregnancy became our new reality. When I found out so many people I knew had gone through a miscarriage, I started to realize how common it was. I worried my stomach into a knot thinking I would have one too. I thought, "We had so much pain going through infertility-surely the Lord will spare us the pain of miscarriage. Right?".
I wanted that to be true and I wish it were, but I know it's not. Not because God is mean, but because my perfect life is not numero uno on his agenda (his holiness is!). That thought made me think of Job. Satan approached God with the argument that sure, of course God's people will praise him when life is well. But what about when it's hard? Surely they will curse him. The Lord told Satan about Job. He was upright, blameless, and feared God. Satan wanted to prove the Lord wrong through Job, and God allowed Satan to take everything from Job but his health. God didn't spare Job loss or heartache because he had already endured enough of it and was faithful. He let it pile up because he knew Job wouldn't curse him and would ultimately bring glory to his name. Job lost everything, not to pay for sin but to glorify the Lord. He was faithful. And, in the end, he was blessed beyond measure.
Now, I'm not trying to say we are comparable to Job, or that God is allowing Satan to test us. I'm not saying we are upright or blameless, nor am I saying that our lives will glorify God's as Job's did. What I am saying is that God may or may not take our baby. We don't know what He has planned for us. He will not spare us hardship and suffering just because we feel as though we've gone through enough of it already. I am saying that this life is his- and it is his to take. We have nothing to boast of or hold on to with clenched, white knuckles because he gave this life to us in the first place.
Do we regret telling everyone about our baby so early? Not at all. We believe life starts at conception. We believe that, no matter how long our baby is alive, he was and is just that-our baby. We were and are parents, regardless of how long that gets to last and how different it might look from parents of birthed children. Our child deserves to be rejoiced over, not just mourned-although I certainly hope I never have to mourn over this child.
Some people cramp and/or bleed through their pregnancy and go on to give birth to perfectly healthy children. Will that be us? I certainly hope so. And if not, we will mourn and we will be devastated. But, we will rise to worship. God is still so good. God is still holy and it will change nothing about his character. It will only prove even further than my life is not my own, that the Lord knows the number of hairs on my head and the number of my days, my sins and my dark heart, and yet still loves me and died for me. Nothing is out of his hands. There is a place for us in his plan, even for our worry. Hallelujah.
Please be praying that the Lord would be over my body, that he would create an environment suitable to support this baby and help it grow. Pray that my hormone and blood levels would be where they need to be and that my doctor would have the wisdom to prescribe the most beneficial plan of action for the both of us. Please pray that our hearts would be steadied and protected from worry and that my poor husband would be strengthened in a situation he has no control over and cannot help or improve (and can't feel like I can =D). We have two doctors appointments this week, so I will update as soon as we know any more info.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.